My New Years resolution for 2019 is to be more assertive if that's okay with you guys?

The first thing a man looks at in a woman is her heart. The fact that her boobs are in front of her heart is not our fault.

A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.

The liquor store clerk just wished me a Happy New Year. As if he wasn't going to see me 5 more times before then.

The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?...”

Happy hour leads to several hours of lying on the floor talking to my dog.

May all your troubles last as long as your New Year's resolutions!

our government

For Sale.. 2019 gym membership, willing to trade for a case of beer and a large pizza...msg me for details...

The biggest benefit of getting new clothes for Christmas is that I don't have to do laundry for another week or two.

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When I was a kid I used to have an imaginary friend, but now thanks to Facebook and I have hundreds of them!

So do we all have the same automatic spell checker? Or am I his only Facebook friend?

I got a job at Comcast and completed training so I could fix my own cable because it was faster than being on hold with customer service.

It's kind of patronising that a computer asks you to prove you're not a robot

Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?

If you mess with me, you mess with the whole trailer park!

Studies show young people are having less sex than previous generations. I knew I was ahead of my time.

The downside of being a bomb disposal technician. It takes 6 hours to open Christmas gifts.

My goal weight it to be able to breathe while tying my shoes.

An easy way to tell people you don't like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.