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Thousands of the best, funny, witty, hilarious, crazy, silly Facebook statuses and sayings. If you are looking for a funny status or funny saying, you can find them here.

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My New Years resolution for 2019 is to be more assertive if that's okay with you guys?
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 12.30.18 @ 14:24pm

The first thing a man looks at in a woman is her heart. The fact that her boobs are in front of her heart is not our fault.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 12.30.18 @ 14:24pm

A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 12.30.18 @ 14:23pm

The liquor store clerk just wished me a Happy New Year. As if he wasn't going to see me 5 more times before then.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny Drinking status update saying on Sunday, 12.30.18 @ 14:23pm

The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?...”
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 12.30.18 @ 14:23pm

Happy hour leads to several hours of lying on the floor talking to my dog.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny Drinking status update saying on Sunday, 12.30.18 @ 14:23pm

May all your troubles last as long as your New Year's resolutions!
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 12.30.18 @ 14:22pm

our government
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 12.30.18 @ 14:22pm

For Sale.. 2019 gym membership, willing to trade for a case of beer and a large pizza...msg me for details...
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 12.30.18 @ 14:22pm

The biggest benefit of getting new clothes for Christmas is that I don't have to do laundry for another week or two.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny Christmas status update saying on Sunday, 12.30.18 @ 14:21pm

We would like to thank everyone that submits statuses to the site. Many get rejected because we don't think they are funny, or they are unreadable, or they are to inappropriate and offensive.
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When I was a kid I used to have an imaginary friend, but now thanks to Facebook and I have hundreds of them!
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 12.30.18 @ 14:21pm

So do we all have the same automatic spell checker? Or am I his only Facebook friend?
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 12.30.18 @ 14:21pm

I got a job at Comcast and completed training so I could fix my own cable because it was faster than being on hold with customer service.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 12.30.18 @ 14:20pm

It's kind of patronising that a computer asks you to prove you're not a robot
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 12.30.18 @ 14:20pm

Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 12.30.18 @ 14:20pm

If you mess with me, you mess with the whole trailer park!
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 12.30.18 @ 14:20pm

Studies show young people are having less sex than previous generations. I knew I was ahead of my time.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 12.30.18 @ 14:20pm

The downside of being a bomb disposal technician. It takes 6 hours to open Christmas gifts.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny Christmas status update saying on Sunday, 12.30.18 @ 14:20pm

My goal weight it to be able to breathe while tying my shoes.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 12.30.18 @ 14:19pm

An easy way to tell people you don't like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny Christmas status update saying on Sunday, 12.30.18 @ 14:19pm

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