Why do people say "Tuna Fish sandwich?" That's like saying "Chicken Bird sandwich."

I just keep telling myself you guys don't have sex either.

People who help you find what you are looking for in a liquor store should be called "Spirit Guides."

My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags! She must be losing it! Who threatens someone with a vacation?

Just burned 2000 calories. That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I take a nap.

I googled "cigarette lighter" and got 150000 matches.

Still waiting for a criminal on Law and Order to say,,, "Hey,, Aren't you Ice-T?"

Sometimes I STOP when it's not even Hammer time

The downside of dating intelligent women is having to Google what they call you when it ends badly

I will admit, my statuses sound a bit different when read aloud by the prosecuting attorney.

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When I'm in a good mood I act like I'm I'm in a bad mood so nobody approaches me and ruins my good mood.

I feel like I could give a great NBA locker room speech. "Guys, we're all millionaires, none of this matters."

Divorce... The most common home improvement project.

Does ke$ha go by k€sha in Europe?

Just noticed there's no comma in "Bed Bath & Beyond" and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.

My therapist says I am too preoccupied by vengeance.... We'll see about that.

How does Ice-T order an Iced Tea without sounding like a douche?

I don't mind helping people as long as I'm not slightly inconvenienced.

How many people actually tell everyone that you said Hi.

I never make plans until I know how I am getting out of them.