I always knew that one day I'd end up face-down in the gutter. I just didn't expect everyone to keep on bowling...

I run a non-profit company. It's not for a good cause or anything, I'm just not very good at business.

I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.

Adulthood is like losing your mom in the grocery store for the rest of your life.

My doctor said I’m healthy enough for sex, just not attractive enough.

My face is a 4, my personality is a 6, so basically, I'm a 10.

Building the city on rock and roll was probably the wrong move from an engineering perspective.

Actually I don't think it would be all that hard to get out of a pickle.

A bachelor party is a lot more appropriate after a divorce than before a wedding.

A married man has 2 options in an argument...he can be right or he can be happy

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I make self-sabotage look like an art form.

Allow me to explain myself via a new communication method I like to call "Interpretive Napping"

At this point I'm just waiting for summer to be cancelled completely.

On my bucket list: To be chased through a kitchen at a Chinese restaurant like in the movies.

The older I get the earlier it gets late.

When someone walks away from me shaking their head, I totally agree.

Who else's favorite Spring time game is "Guess how deep that pothole really is."

I spend 95% of the time out of bed wishing I was back in bed

People who are about to tell you something then say "never mind" are the reason why I sometimes admire serial killers

I don’t think we can get through adulthood without a good sense of humor and a strong middle finger.