Running feels great unless you compare it to not running

Nothing shuts my pie hole more than an actual pie.

Cooking Tip: If you're tired of always having to boil water everytime you make pasta, boil a few gallons at the beginning of the week and freeze it for later ... you're welcome!

Any pencil can be a number two pencil if you eat it.

You know you're drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on

Married 24 years now. All I recall about my wedding day is something about death.

Whenever a little kid asks me to push him on the swing I remind him there are children his age in China making iPhones.

My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet... Oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.

My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.

There is no life on earth without water. Because without water, there is no coffee. And without coffee, I'll kill you all.

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Sometimes my attention span is shorter than a gold fish crackers are delicious.

Sexual education classes in school should just be listening to a baby cry for 5 hours straight while watching the same cartoon on repeat.

I hate when a couple argues in public but I missed the start and don't know whose side I'm on.

If you can't think of a word, say "I forget the English word for it". That way people will think you're bilingual instead of an idiot.

I wonder how long I’d be on hold if my call wasn’t important to them...

“Nevermind.” Translation... You should’ve listened the first time.

No, I do not want to talk about how I got all these scratches. On a completely unrelated note; If you've ever wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase,,,.. it’s 9.

Relationships always start out as "You're smart and funny." and end up as "You think you know everything and it's all a joke to you!"

I prefer my kale with a silent "K"

It’s called a “remote” because those are your odds of finding it when you want to change the channel.