Being a medieval doctor was probably super easy. "Yeah, you've got blood ghosts, you should do cocaine for it."

Does anyone else ever wonder why the game uno doesn’t have the rest of the cards in Spanish?

When you're sick, the advice you get is to literally do drugs and stay out of school.

A corn dog is just a meat Twinkie

I'm afraid if I start working out, I'll be too sexy.

Why do people say "hashtag" out loud, question mark.

Every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person. Stay lazy my friends.

The SPCA needs to open a bar. I know a ton of guys that bring home dogs from the bar.

"This isn't my first rodeo." -Me, at my second rodeo

Without the moon, there would be no tides, and no name for what my brothers did to me.

We would like to thank everyone that submits statuses to the site. Many get rejected because we don't think they are funny, or they are unreadable, or they are to inappropriate and offensive.

Check out more at Almost Silly Statuses

Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay ... again.

Just because she weighed as much as 2 people, that doesn't mean you had a threesome.

I was feeling tough and manly until I realized the spider was on the inside of the window.

Any psychic who has bells on their door to let them know someone is there is probably not worth it.

Welcome to your 40s. You are no longer the target audience for anything cool.

You ever read a girl status and wished someone would just treat her right so she'd just stfu

If I've learned anything after working in I.T. for twenty five years it's that Dilbert is not a comic strip. It's a documentary.

I didn't go to the gym today,....but the cashier's name at Macdonald's was Jim...sooo same thing.

Losing an argument with your woman? Just tell her "My mom was right about you" to get the upper hand.

I accidentally took one of my wife's One-A-Day Vitamins for Women this morning. I've been trying to get dressed for three hours but everything makes me look fat.