If you work Security in a Samsung store does that make you a Guardian of the Galaxy?

If you grew up wanting to be a Plumber or a Pizza delivery boy, You watched too much porn as a kid.

You can always make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.

Dear Maytag: Why don't your dryers have a Fold cycle? It's 2018 for chrissake!

To the person who stole my antidepressants..I hope you're happy now!!!

There's a big difference between a mechanic and a surgeon when they work on a tranny.

Do you know what this house is missing? A box of $#!+, Let's get a cat.

Maybe it's the washer and not the dryer that steals the socks.

I sometimes check my blocklist to see how my prisoners are doing

Babe, you look Hot! Is your air conditioner broken?

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I don't know what I would do without Facebook, but I'm sure it would be something more productive

Doing it wrong is the only thing I do right.

Despite the high cost of living, it still remains popular.

If you're going to be a smartass, you must first be smart. Otherwise, you're just an ass.

As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I remind myself that you cant always trust Google maps

Who ever invented the knock knock joke should get the no bell prize.

Where does Peter Pan have his lunch? At Wendy's.

I remember the days when I could refer to my knees as right and left. Now I refer to them as the good and bad knee.

I find you're total lack of ambition is inspiring.

Doing some laundry and hot single socks in my dryer are looking for a mate.