Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.

My GPS is basically just one more woman in my life who I turn on and then ignore.

I always close my eyes when I kiss a woman. Experience tells me that if my eyes are open, I get a lot more pepper spray in them.

OK. Who decided to call it "possession of marijuana" and not "joint custody"?

I can't wait til the Presidential race ends so we can stop hating people for their politics and go back to hating people because they're jerks

Now that the Summer is over, I can finally stop pretending to be on a diet

Cut out the middleman and just list 911 as your emergency contact.

The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day.

Boss: "Thanks for the coffee. You know what'd go well with this?" Me: "The antidote?" Boss: "No, a donu...Wait, what?" Me: "Nothing"

Taxes are like a subscription to your country that you can't cancel, no matter how bad the service gets.

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One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.

Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you're looking for a business manager.

Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.

The expiration date on my credit card is 4/20 and it always gets a good laugh when Im ordering pizza for delivery.

I had four E's and LSD last night. Such an awful start to a game of scrabble!!

Alcohol is never the answer, unless the question is, "why were you barely conscious on the kitchen floor eating dog food?"

In sign language, arthritis is a speech impediment.

7.1 billion people in the world. 0 willing to lower their standards and date me.

Does shaking the vending machine count as working ...

This debate episode has to be the craziest Celebrity Apprentice I've ever seen!