Dear Equifax hackers, Please delete my student loan balance, my medical bills and change my credit score to 850. Thanks.

A man in front of me at Walmart is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life he wishes she had sent him for tampons!

I don't like the term "stalker". I prefer "unpaid private investigator".

I wish banks would do a better job of keeping their ATMs filled. This is the fourth one I've been to that is saying "Insufficient Funds."

A hypnotist is just someone that tries to roofie you with jazz hands.

I told my psychiatrist that I've been hearing voices. He told me that I don't have a psychiatrist.

It's really ironic that I mostly use my driver's license to buy stuff that impairs my ability to drive.

More people should be at a loss for words.

Pet stores should post "Chameleon" on empty reptile cages just to see how long people would stand and look.

If you still can read this, please inform me ASAP because I have probably blocked the wrong person!

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How many days in a row do you have to wear the same clothes until you’re legally a cartoon?

"Someday, your phone will cost more than your computer" - said no one ever.

Still waiting for a "Where are they now?" episode about the Flintstones

Accidentally bought a bag of raw almonds. Turns out I don't like almonds, I like salt.

I'll bet other dogs must think that poodles belong to some weird religious cult.

Geez. I make one little mistake and my pharmacist now adds "by mouth" on the prescription label.

I've started an exercise program. I do 20 sit-ups each morning. That may not sound like a lot, but you can only hit that snooze button so many times.

Dear Cashier: Stop giving me attitude and acting like your job is so complicated and stressful. Self-Checkout has proven that you are really unnecessary.

Girls with tattoos on your tits, Why? We're already looking at them.

Telling someone they shouldn't be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they shouldn't be happy because others have it better.