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Thousands of the best, funny, witty, hilarious, crazy, silly Facebook statuses and sayings. If you are looking for a funny status or funny saying, you can find them here.

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A massage is just professional petting for humans.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Saturday, 07.28.18 @ 12:07pm

Went into a five-star hotel to use the bathroom and now it's a two-star hotel.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Saturday, 07.28.18 @ 12:07pm

I bet itís pretty hard at a mimeís funeral to figure out when the moment of silence is over.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Saturday, 07.28.18 @ 12:07pm

So they say that having to much sex can cause memory loss, which is just a little something I seem to remember reading in a Rolling Stone magazine once on page 64 paragraphs 3 through 5 while sitting on a park bench October 14th 2002 at 3:46 p.m
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Saturday, 07.28.18 @ 12:06pm

I sent one of those swabs off for DNA sampling. Apparently, I'm 50% Crest, 25% Denture fixative, 13% kebab, and 12% Rum.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Saturday, 07.28.18 @ 12:06pm

Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Saturday, 07.28.18 @ 12:06pm

Tenderizing the meat sounds a lot sexier than it is
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Friday, 07.13.18 @ 16:35pm

My mom never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, "Who murdered this guy with a pipe?"
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Friday, 07.13.18 @ 16:35pm

Zoning out is your brainís way of saying ďYou look bored. Let me take you to a better place.Ē
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Friday, 07.13.18 @ 16:34pm

So how long before GoFundMe is our nation's leading health care provider?
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Friday, 07.13.18 @ 16:34pm

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The Fourth of July was an annual reminder of how useless my dog would be in a war.‬
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Friday, 07.13.18 @ 16:34pm

I just decorated my bedroom to look like my desk at work so I can fall sleep faster.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Friday, 07.13.18 @ 16:34pm

My blind neighbor sure does take his dog on a lot of walks...
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Friday, 07.13.18 @ 16:34pm

"Hi, I'm here to ruin your life" - Social media
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Friday, 07.13.18 @ 16:33pm

Of course Iíll buy a polished rock made into a necklace. Iím on vacation, arenít I?
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Friday, 07.13.18 @ 16:31pm

If it's alcoholic anonymous. Why do the members stand up an in-troduce them selves?
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Friday, 07.13.18 @ 16:31pm

Would a transformer buy life insurance or car insurance?
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Friday, 07.13.18 @ 16:31pm

If I pretend to be dead will you stop talking?
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Friday, 07.13.18 @ 16:30pm

If Wonder Woman and Spiderman went into business together would they call it Amazon Web Services?
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Friday, 07.13.18 @ 16:29pm

Cactuses are just heavily armed cucumbers.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Friday, 07.13.18 @ 16:29pm

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