I would run a marathon. If the only 2 bars were 26.2 miles apart and the first one was closed.

I bet my road rage will be taken seriously once I get a car.

In a weird twist,,, The longer I stay at home,,, The more homeless I look.

I'm tired of people assuming I've got a good personality because I'm ugly.

Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?

My friend says to me, "What rhymes with orange?" I said, "No it doesn't."

I’m supporting our troops today by going commando.

I can take care of my drunk friends, so the responsibility of having children doesn't worry me.

Why do we call it the Sun instead of a space heater?

Learn to fight like you're the third monkey trying to get on the Ark!

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The hardest thing about my juice cleanse is trying to juice Snickers

If someone found a legit way to make penises bigger, no one would believe them.

You know you're a bad driver when Siri says, " In 400 feet, stop and let me out".

A friend came over visibly shaken. He said he had just slept with his 3rd cousin. I told him, if it upsets you that much quit counting them.

I recently added squats to my daily workout routine and I did so by moving my beer to the bottom shelf in my refrigerator.

I remember being able to get up without making sound effects. Good times.

Each day is a gift, but some days are socks and underwear

Dear automatic flushing toilet. I appreciate the enthusiasm, but I wasn't quite finished...

I've got big plans for the weekend. If things go well, come Monday morning I'm gonna need a chiropractor, a psychiatrist, a priest and bail money.

Now that there is no FBI director we can finally make copies of VHS tapes