As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I remind myself that you cant always trust Google maps

Who ever invented the knock knock joke should get the no bell prize.

Where does Peter Pan have his lunch? At Wendy's.

I remember the days when I could refer to my knees as right and left. Now I refer to them as the good and bad knee.

I find you're total lack of ambition is inspiring.

Doing some laundry and hot single socks in my dryer are looking for a mate.

The only way I'll ever run a marathon is if I set up the booths and hand out tags.

The object of golf.... is to play the least amount of golf.

I know it’s rain but I hate when my coworker tell me how many inches they got last night.

Bartenders are basically professionals that we hire to poison us very slowly in creative ways.

We would like to thank everyone that submits statuses to the site. Many get rejected because we don't think they are funny, or they are unreadable, or they are to inappropriate and offensive.

Check out more at Almost Silly Statuses

Will you go with me to my therapist tomorrow? He thinks I'm making you up.

I found a real money maker in selling homing pigeons....... So far this month I sold mine 4 times.

Have you ever noticed the irony behind “hyphenated” and “non-hyphenated”?

Words and phrases I hope do not appear in my obituary: "Skeletal remains", "Dumpster", "Beyond recognition", "Decapitated", "Dental records", "Shallow grave", "Strewn", and "Suicide by Cop."

Never make an arm wrestle bet with a guy who has been single for longer than 6 months.

The smaller the town, the bigger the sex cult.

The differance between flirting and sexual harrassment ... If you're attrative, it's flirting.

Do you think they still give out chips in Gambler's Anonymous?

Appearing on several episodes of Cops doesn't make you a TV star.

Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.