30 years later and my Cabbage Patch Kid still has no clue that he's adopted.

I just don't think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift

i joined new gym yesterday. i did 3 sets of selfies on each machine

Today I noticed that the cover of my ironing board was wrinkled, and I laughed at the irony. Then I laughed again because of the word "irony."

It's really cold out there folks. If you're heading to Wal-Mart, please wear two pairs of pajamas.

People treat New Year’s like some sort of life changing event. If your life sucks today, it’s probably still going to suck tomorrow ... Just sayin

If you can’t be an athlete, be an athletic supporter.

New Years Eve. It takes 24,367 bolts to put a car together and only 1 nut to spread it all over the road, please don't drink and drive and become the nut

"We have smaller, secret pants that we wear under our normal pants..." - me explaining underwear to aliens.

Big deal, Times Square, I drop the ball at least twice a week.

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My wife’s new cooking show will be called, "Do you smell Something Burning?"

That sound you hear when you already closed the cupboard & hear something fall -yeah, that’s the sound of someone else’s problem.

During the holidays people have to make a choice between enjoying the holidays or spending it with the relatives.

Consumer confidence is at an all time high, and so am I.

Christmas trees are like boobs...the fake ones are nice to look at... But the real ones are so much better

Jingle all the way. Nobody likes a half-assed jingler.

Please be careful on the roads. Lots of people are drinking exsessively and letting their wives drive.

On the plus side of 2017, the use of the words 'awesomesauce' and 'amazeballs' were at an all time low.

What does it mean if the Holy Water sizzles when it hits your skin? (asking for a friend)

The hardest part of being a gentleman is going to all of these gentlemen’s clubs.