I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said "Never mind."

Spiderman's Spidey sense is just really spot on anxiety.

There’s actually a thing called “Play Dates “ in 2018. In 1984 we called that “Going outside to play”

It's not too late to start convincing our children that the world really did end in 2012 and we're the survivors.

The biggest cause of cancer in mice is research.

Good friends don’t let you do dumb things… alone.

Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He said thanks how do you know I’m not a serial killer? I replied the chances of two serial killer’s being in the same car are astronomical.

Meal prepping is basically eating a week's worth of leftovers from a meal that never happened.

Don’t piss off old people. The older they get, the less ‘life in prison’ is a deterrent.

Is it just me or doesn't anyone disappear in the Bermuda triangle anymore?

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I hate when I’m walking into the gym and the wind blows me into the liquor store.

I don't get personal trainers. I've never been exercising and thought "man, I wish someone hot was criticizing me right now."

Kids maybe a gift..... But I like playing with the box it came in.

They say if the palm of your hand itches, you're going to get something. And if your crouch itches, you've already got it.

I think the only way I'll ever be motivated to go to the gym is if I'm in prison.

The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.

Futons are the most disappointing Transformers ever.

Ironing boards are just surf boards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs.

The Great Wall of China has brought more foreigners than it has kept out.

When you're a kid, it makes you feel proud when someone says "Wow! You've gotten so big since the last time I saw you!" As an adult, not so much.