You look like I need another drink

I thought I was having deja vu, but it turns out I do the exact same things every day.

The nighttime, sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, stuffy head, fever so I can rest medicine didnīt work. Iīm going to try 1 bourbon, 1 scotch and 1 beer instead.

hates when Iīm singing along with the radio and the artist messes up the words!

Hey, did you know that in two days, tomorrow will be yesterday!

It doesnīt matter if the glass is half empty or half full. There is clearly room for more alcohol.

If you canīt afford to go on vacation, you can always drink until you donīt know where you are.

Weīre responsible for most of what happens to us, the rest is probably Voodoo.

If youīre cooler than me, doesnt that make me hotter than you?

I seem to start my day backwards. I wake up tired and I go to bed wide awake.

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Alarm Clock(n): An evil device invented by Satan to disrupt the peaceful sleep of otherwise happy folks at a predetermined hour.

Whatīs the difference between light and hard? You can go to bed with a light on.

While most people are becoming older and wiser, Iīm becoming older and better at making stuff up as I go along.

My neighbor came rudely banging at my door at 2:30 am, luckily for him I was up practicing on my new drums

I did all I can do. I canīt do no more

I wonder if Iīll ever be mature enough to use a stud finder without first pointing it at myself and saying "thereīs one."

Why is it when you run into a spider web, you suddenly turn into a ninja?

Donīt believe all the rumours you hear about me, the truth is much worse.

Have you ever ate something so good that you do a little happy dance while your eating it?

If youīre a millionaire and you donīt have trampoline floors or a giant slide that goes from your bed to an olympic sized indoor pool, then you should just give me all of your money because youīre wasting it.