Holy crap! I just realized that I´m still it from a game of tag in 1987.

Watching movies alone sucks. There´s no one to ask, "What did he just say? Who is that guy?"

Its too damn early. Even the voices in my head are still snoring.

you can´t drink all day if you don´t start in the morning

True laziness is being excited when plans get canceled.

So many rules; so little time to break them.

In case I drink too much and pass out for a while, Merry Christmas you guys.

Good news: I finally got my computer connected to the wireless printer. Bad news: not sure which house I need to go to get my documents.

As I slide down this bannister we call life, you, and you alone, are the splinter in my ass

I was driving thru Farmville and I had to pee ... so I pulled over and fertilized your crops

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Peppermint Schnapps, the mouthwash you can swallow

Even if gas prices go down, I´m still going to siphon gas from my neighbor´s car because I like the adrenaline rush and he´s an a$$hole

I don´t know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!

I found $40 in my jeans. The kid in me says "Buy dart guns and candy", but the adult in me says "Buy vodka, dart guns and candy".

Dear God, I´ve been very good today, no grumpy thoughts, no swearing and I haven´t been mean at all, but I´m about to get up now and I may need your help :)

If I weren´t such an alcoholic I would throw my drink in your face

Today everything gets answered by the magic eight ball

can´t find Sesame Street on my GPS. Can you tell me how to get there?

If at first you don´t succeed ..... buy her another drink

if you were 2 times as smart as you are now ... you would still be stupid