Holy crap! I just realized that Iīm still it from a game of tag in 1987.

Watching movies alone sucks. Thereīs no one to ask, "What did he just say? Who is that guy?"

Its too damn early. Even the voices in my head are still snoring.

you canīt drink all day if you donīt start in the morning

True laziness is being excited when plans get canceled.

So many rules; so little time to break them.

In case I drink too much and pass out for a while, Merry Christmas you guys.

Good news: I finally got my computer connected to the wireless printer. Bad news: not sure which house I need to go to get my documents.

As I slide down this bannister we call life, you, and you alone, are the splinter in my ass

I was driving thru Farmville and I had to pee ... so I pulled over and fertilized your crops

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Peppermint Schnapps, the mouthwash you can swallow

Even if gas prices go down, Iīm still going to siphon gas from my neighborīs car because I like the adrenaline rush and heīs an a$$hole

I donīt know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!

I found $40 in my jeans. The kid in me says "Buy dart guns and candy", but the adult in me says "Buy vodka, dart guns and candy".

Dear God, Iīve been very good today, no grumpy thoughts, no swearing and I havenīt been mean at all, but Iīm about to get up now and I may need your help :)

If I werenīt such an alcoholic I would throw my drink in your face

Today everything gets answered by the magic eight ball

canīt find Sesame Street on my GPS. Can you tell me how to get there?

If at first you donīt succeed ..... buy her another drink

if you were 2 times as smart as you are now ... you would still be stupid