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Thousands of the best, funny, witty, hilarious, crazy, silly Facebook statuses and sayings. If you are looking for a funny status or funny saying, you can find them here.

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Whenever a little kid asks me to push him on the swing I remind him there are children his age in China making iPhones.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Saturday, 08.5.17 @ 09:11am

My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet... Oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Saturday, 08.5.17 @ 09:11am

My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Saturday, 08.5.17 @ 09:11am

There is no life on earth without water. Because without water, there is no coffee. And without coffee, I'll kill you all.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Saturday, 08.5.17 @ 09:11am

Sometimes my attention span is shorter than a gold fish crackers are delicious.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Saturday, 08.5.17 @ 09:10am

Sexual education classes in school should just be listening to a baby cry for 5 hours straight while watching the same cartoon on repeat.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Saturday, 08.5.17 @ 09:10am

I hate when a couple argues in public but I missed the start and don't know whose side I'm on.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Saturday, 08.5.17 @ 09:10am

If you can't think of a word, say "I forget the English word for it". That way people will think you're bilingual instead of an idiot.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Saturday, 08.5.17 @ 09:10am

I wonder how long I’d be on hold if my call wasn’t important to them...
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Saturday, 08.5.17 @ 09:10am

“Nevermind.” Translation... You should’ve listened the first time.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Saturday, 08.5.17 @ 09:09am

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No, I do not want to talk about how I got all these scratches. On a completely unrelated note; If you've ever wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase,,,.. it’s 9.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Saturday, 08.5.17 @ 09:09am

Relationships always start out as "You're smart and funny." and end up as "You think you know everything and it's all a joke to you!"
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Saturday, 08.5.17 @ 09:09am

I prefer my kale with a silent "K"
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Saturday, 08.5.17 @ 09:09am

It’s called a “remote” because those are your odds of finding it when you want to change the channel.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Saturday, 08.5.17 @ 09:08am

I just quit my job at the helium bottling plant. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone!
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 07.30.17 @ 11:38am

If I could have sex with anyone, living or dead, I would for sure pick living.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 07.30.17 @ 11:38am

My dad taught me righty tighty, lefty loosie.... that's why I never dated left handed chicks.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 07.30.17 @ 11:37am

You find it offensive?... I find it funny.... That's why I'm happier than you
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 07.30.17 @ 11:37am

Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Molson, Heineken, Coors or Budweiser -- Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 07.30.17 @ 11:37am

The reason grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup are such a great combination is because they are the same basic ingredients as pizza.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 07.30.17 @ 11:37am

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