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Thousands of the best, funny, witty, hilarious, crazy, silly Facebook statuses and sayings. If you are looking for a funny status or funny saying, you can find them here.

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We've spent years planning and preparing for the zombie apocalypse all for nothing......clowns....its gonna be clowns that finish us off.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 10.9.16 @ 14:06pm

Some of you ladies need to ease up on the makeup until we get this clown situation resolved.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 10.9.16 @ 14:05pm

Humans pretend to be smart, but we still look at the ceiling when we hear a noise upstairs like we just developed x-ray vision.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 10.9.16 @ 14:05pm

Reasons why I never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don't have iPhone. 2) I don't have a girlfriend.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 10.9.16 @ 14:05pm

My girlfriend just accused me of being unfaithful. I told her that is ridiculous and that she is starting to sound like my wife.
Posted By: Bear - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 10.2.16 @ 07:32am

Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Tuesday, 09.27.16 @ 15:43pm

My GPS is basically just one more woman in my life who I turn on and then ignore.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Tuesday, 09.27.16 @ 15:43pm

I always close my eyes when I kiss a woman. Experience tells me that if my eyes are open, I get a lot more pepper spray in them.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Tuesday, 09.27.16 @ 15:42pm

OK. Who decided to call it "possession of marijuana" and not "joint custody"?
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Tuesday, 09.27.16 @ 15:42pm

I can't wait til the Presidential race ends so we can stop hating people for their politics and go back to hating people because they're jerks
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Tuesday, 09.27.16 @ 15:42pm

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Now that the Summer is over, I can finally stop pretending to be on a diet
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Tuesday, 09.27.16 @ 15:42pm

Cut out the middleman and just list 911 as your emergency contact.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Tuesday, 09.27.16 @ 15:42pm

The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Tuesday, 09.27.16 @ 15:41pm

Boss: "Thanks for the coffee. You know what'd go well with this?" Me: "The antidote?" Boss: "No, a donu...Wait, what?" Me: "Nothing"
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Tuesday, 09.27.16 @ 15:41pm

Taxes are like a subscription to your country that you can't cancel, no matter how bad the service gets.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Tuesday, 09.27.16 @ 15:41pm

One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Tuesday, 09.27.16 @ 15:41pm

Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you're looking for a business manager.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Tuesday, 09.27.16 @ 15:41pm

Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Tuesday, 09.27.16 @ 15:40pm

The expiration date on my credit card is 4/20 and it always gets a good laugh when Im ordering pizza for delivery.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Tuesday, 09.27.16 @ 15:39pm

I had four E's and LSD last night. Such an awful start to a game of scrabble!!
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Tuesday, 09.27.16 @ 15:39pm

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