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Thousands of the best, funny, witty, hilarious, crazy, silly Facebook statuses and sayings. If you are looking for a funny status or funny saying, you can find them here.

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The grass is always greener where the bodies are buried.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Monday, 05.1.17 @ 17:53pm

The pollen levels are so high this year that it has the crackheads trying to convert their meth back into Sudafed...
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Monday, 05.1.17 @ 17:48pm

French people give me the crepes.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Monday, 05.1.17 @ 17:46pm

You never know how little self control you have until they put chips and salsa in front of you at a Mexican restaurant.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Monday, 04.24.17 @ 21:56pm

Boss just announced she is leaving early. What a coincidence. So am I.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Monday, 04.24.17 @ 21:56pm

Some people should come with subtitles.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Monday, 04.24.17 @ 21:56pm

I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like "Dude, you have to wait."
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Monday, 04.24.17 @ 21:56pm

If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say "pound me."
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Monday, 04.24.17 @ 21:56pm

The most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. At least, that's what the restraining order says.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Monday, 04.24.17 @ 21:56pm

I have no interest in skydiving. I get enough of an adrenaline rush hoping my credit card goes through
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Monday, 04.24.17 @ 21:55pm

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United Airlines was just voted number one in Chinese takeout!
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Monday, 04.24.17 @ 21:55pm

Itís so nice outside I should probably close the blinds so there isnít a glare on my screen.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Monday, 04.24.17 @ 21:55pm

Canít find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Monday, 04.24.17 @ 21:55pm

Then there was the ex-cop who started his own landscaping business. He called it Lawn Order.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Monday, 04.24.17 @ 21:55pm

I put my phone on airplane mode, and it dragged me out of my seat.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Monday, 04.24.17 @ 21:55pm

I knew the fun part of my life was over when my friends started getting pregnant on purpose
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Monday, 04.24.17 @ 21:54pm

My wife is a sex object. Every time I want to have sex, sheíll object.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Monday, 04.24.17 @ 21:54pm

It's finally here! .. That time of year when my seasonal depression turns into just regular depression.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Monday, 04.24.17 @ 21:54pm

Kinda makes you wonder how many employees used to piss on their hands in the bathroom before management finally took action
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 04.23.17 @ 04:58am

Tequila... It's not just for breakfast anymore...
Posted By: Jennifer Bosse DiCesare - Category: funny status update saying on Thursday, 04.20.17 @ 10:59am

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