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Thousands of the best, funny, witty, hilarious, crazy, silly Facebook statuses and sayings. If you are looking for a funny status or funny saying, you can find them here.

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Non-alcoholic beer is like a vibrator without batteries. It fills you up nicely but without the buzz.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Saturday, 06.24.17 @ 13:24pm

The secret to happiness is a good sense of humor and a bad memory.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Saturday, 06.24.17 @ 13:24pm

It isn't a successful BBQ until an intoxicated idiot runs face first into a sliding glass door. I'm fine by the way.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Saturday, 06.24.17 @ 13:23pm

At this point in my life the only reason I want to be rich is to hire somebody to clean my house.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Saturday, 06.24.17 @ 13:23pm

If pigs could fly, nobody would be eating chicken wings.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Saturday, 06.24.17 @ 13:22pm

So you have 820 friends on Facebook and yet no one was around to take your picture when you decided to use the mirror for a good shot?
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Saturday, 06.24.17 @ 13:22pm

My "check engine" light came on while driving to work this morning. I looked and the engine is still there...silly light.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Saturday, 06.24.17 @ 13:22pm

Sometimes, I'm offended at how easily offended some people get.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Saturday, 06.24.17 @ 13:21pm

I'm lucky to be broke at a time when minimalism and sustainability are in style.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Saturday, 06.24.17 @ 13:21pm

Of course size matters. No one wants a small pizza.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Saturday, 06.24.17 @ 13:21pm

We would like to thank everyone that submits statuses to the site. Many get rejected because we don't think they are funny, or they are unreadable, or they are to inappropriate and offensive.
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I'll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Saturday, 06.24.17 @ 13:21pm

When you realize that your car matches the one in the Amber Alert.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Saturday, 06.24.17 @ 13:21pm

I only call them yoga pants because Netflix and eat leftovers pants was too long.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Saturday, 06.24.17 @ 13:21pm

Slutty girls are like Walmarts, everyone makes fun of them but when you're inside one at 4am you think, i'm glad these are here.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Saturday, 06.24.17 @ 13:20pm

I'm in big trouble if my coworkers find out I don't really have Tourette's.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Saturday, 06.24.17 @ 13:20pm

Whats the best part about dating a homeless chick, ..... You can drop her off anywhere
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Saturday, 06.24.17 @ 13:20pm

Why do people say "Tuna Fish sandwich?" That's like saying "Chicken Bird sandwich."
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Monday, 06.12.17 @ 14:26pm

I just keep telling myself you guys don't have sex either.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Monday, 06.12.17 @ 14:26pm

People who help you find what you are looking for in a liquor store should be called "Spirit Guides."
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Monday, 06.12.17 @ 14:26pm

My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags! She must be losing it! Who threatens someone with a vacation?
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Monday, 06.12.17 @ 14:25pm

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