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Fitness nuts have to do an entire marathon to feel a runner's high..... I just have to bend over and tie my shoes.

Today has me seriously evaluating my policy of not drinking on the job.

I don't know who I feel more sorry for.. myself for never being able to find where I parked my car?.. or the poor bastards following me through the parking lot hoping to take my parking space...

It takes one slow walking person in the grocery store, to remove the illusion that I'm a nice person.

Sixth in line to the throne takes on a different meaning when you’re not in the royal family but in a dive bar.

I met a girl who told me that she broke up with her last boyfriend because he just didn't work out. Which is when I knew, she wasn't the one for me, as I hate to work out as well.

Thanks to whoever made electrical outlets look like tiny screaming faces trapped inside my walls I can't make eye contact.

Step 1: Remove food from packaging. Step 2: Throw out packaging Step. 3: Dig packaging out of trash to locate cook time, Repeat steps 2 & 3 as necessary

Why do I get the feeling that a lot of adults nowadays who ask kids "What do you want to be when you grow up?" are just trying to come up with some ideas?

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I decided to bury the hatchet with that neighbor I never got along with. After all, it is the murder weapon.

You never really know a woman, until she takes you to court.

A high school diploma takes you 12 years to get, 2 minutes to frame and a lifetime to forget where you put it.

Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower. But I'll be telling everyone it's from having sex while skydiving.

It's funny how many people I have in my phones contact list who all have the same name Do Not Answer.

My blood test came back as B+ Any tips how I can get an A+ next time?

How long does it take possums to realize when one of them is actually dead?

In fact, yes, l can multitask. I can screw up several things at once.

I wonder if dogs ever wake up in the morning and think "dear god please don't take me jogging with you today"?

People who enjoy life, rarely have a flat stomach.