The only way I'll ever run a marathon is if I set up the booths and hand out tags.

The object of golf.... is to play the least amount of golf.

I know it’s rain but I hate when my coworker tell me how many inches they got last night.

Bartenders are basically professionals that we hire to poison us very slowly in creative ways.

Will you go with me to my therapist tomorrow? He thinks I'm making you up.

I found a real money maker in selling homing pigeons....... So far this month I sold mine 4 times.

Have you ever noticed the irony behind “hyphenated” and “non-hyphenated”?

Words and phrases I hope do not appear in my obituary: "Skeletal remains", "Dumpster", "Beyond recognition", "Decapitated", "Dental records", "Shallow grave", "Strewn", and "Suicide by Cop."

Never make an arm wrestle bet with a guy who has been single for longer than 6 months.

The smaller the town, the bigger the sex cult.

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The differance between flirting and sexual harrassment ... If you're attrative, it's flirting.

Do you think they still give out chips in Gambler's Anonymous?

Appearing on several episodes of Cops doesn't make you a TV star.

Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.

A massage is just professional petting for humans.

Went into a five-star hotel to use the bathroom and now it's a two-star hotel.

I bet it’s pretty hard at a mime’s funeral to figure out when the moment of silence is over.

So they say that having to much sex can cause memory loss, which is just a little something I seem to remember reading in a Rolling Stone magazine once on page 64 paragraphs 3 through 5 while sitting on a park bench October 14th 2002 at 3:46 p.m

I sent one of those swabs off for DNA sampling. Apparently, I'm 50% Crest, 25% Denture fixative, 13% kebab, and 12% Rum.

Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?