I wonder if there's a margarita somewhere out there thinking about me, too.

And all this time I thought a chickpea was when women went to the bathroom in groups.

Every now and then when I'm in a room alone I say out loud, "I know you're listening". If I'm wrong, nobody knows. If I'm right, I just freaked the hell out of some guy.

Life Tip: Hang out with people who make you forget to look at your phone.

Imagine being naked in a room full of people who speak a different language and everyone wants to touch you. That is the life of a dog.

I got called pretty today! Well actually the full statement was "you're pretty annoying!" But I only focus on positive things

I took a sexual harassment course today, I think this is actually something I might be pretty good at

Now accepting friends that live on a lake and have a boat and/or jet skis

I’m not shy, I’m just really good out figuring out who is not worth talking to.

You know what’s easy? ... Opening another beer

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The best thing about having male genitals is sharing it with people who don't.

It's like my kids don't even believe how cool I was in the 80s.

If you’re telling me to relax, it’s probably your fault that I’m not.

Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.

Would people still go to the gym if Instagram didn't exist?

Do not put off until tomorrow what you can put off indefinitely.

The Mrs said she we need a "conversation piece" in the living room. I'm thinking taco cart...

If I were a cashier I'd pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.

I may be crazy, but crazy is better than stupid.

Putting your finger on someone's lips and saying "Shhhh... Not another word." is super-romantic. But the cop didn't think so.