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Thousands of the best, funny, witty, hilarious, crazy, silly Facebook statuses and sayings. If you are looking for a funny status or funny saying, you can find them here.

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In a weird twist,,, The longer I stay at home,,, The more homeless I look.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 05.14.17 @ 15:32pm

I'm tired of people assuming I've got a good personality because I'm ugly.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 05.14.17 @ 15:32pm

Why do blurry people always ask me if Iím drunk?
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 05.14.17 @ 15:31pm

My friend says to me, "What rhymes with orange?" I said, "No it doesn't."
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 05.14.17 @ 15:31pm

Iím supporting our troops today by going commando.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 05.14.17 @ 15:31pm

I can take care of my drunk friends, so the responsibility of having children doesn't worry me.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 05.14.17 @ 15:31pm

Why do we call it the Sun instead of a space heater?
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 05.14.17 @ 15:31pm

Learn to fight like you're the third monkey trying to get on the Ark!
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 05.14.17 @ 15:30pm

The hardest thing about my juice cleanse is trying to juice Snickers
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 05.14.17 @ 15:30pm

If someone found a legit way to make penises bigger, no one would believe them.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 05.14.17 @ 15:30pm

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You know you're a bad driver when Siri says, " In 400 feet, stop and let me out".
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 05.14.17 @ 15:30pm

A friend came over visibly shaken. He said he had just slept with his 3rd cousin. I told him, if it upsets you that much quit counting them.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 05.14.17 @ 15:30pm

I recently added squats to my daily workout routine and I did so by moving my beer to the bottom shelf in my refrigerator.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 05.14.17 @ 15:30pm

I remember being able to get up without making sound effects. Good times.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 05.14.17 @ 15:29pm

Each day is a gift, but some days are socks and underwear
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 05.14.17 @ 15:29pm

Dear automatic flushing toilet. I appreciate the enthusiasm, but I wasn't quite finished...
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 05.14.17 @ 15:29pm

I've got big plans for the weekend. If things go well, come Monday morning I'm gonna need a chiropractor, a psychiatrist, a priest and bail money.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 05.14.17 @ 15:29pm

Now that there is no FBI director we can finally make copies of VHS tapes
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 05.14.17 @ 15:29pm

I'm never free but I'm available.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 05.14.17 @ 15:29pm

All I'm saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old...
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 05.14.17 @ 15:28pm

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