I just quit my job at the helium bottling plant. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone!

If I could have sex with anyone, living or dead, I would for sure pick living.

My dad taught me righty tighty, lefty loosie.... that's why I never dated left handed chicks.

You find it offensive?... I find it funny.... That's why I'm happier than you

Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Molson, Heineken, Coors or Budweiser -- Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.

The reason grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup are such a great combination is because they are the same basic ingredients as pizza.

There is no such thing as a dirty mind. Just a sense of humor with adult content.

I love myself everyday. Sometimes, twice a day.

Not to brag but my new mistress is a lingerie model. OK, fine. A mannequin. But she doesn't talk much and I like that.

Never make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for longer than 6 months.

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If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me.

Some days, the best thing about my job is that the chair spins.

There is a fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness.”

Just because you have a beard doesn't mean you're a man. Last time I checked vaginas can grow hair too.

I should never have climbed into this vat of curdled milk. I'm in whey over my head.

Turns out that my get rich painfully slow scheme isn't working out either.

If your ever wondering who your real friends are all you have to do is delete your facebook account for about week without saying anything and see who calls

You lost your phone and it's on silent? Too bad. If you liked it then you should've put a ring on it.

You mellennials and your obsession with public healthcare, back in my day we just died!

I ate the whole box of Slim Fast bars. So excited about how skinny I'll be when I wake up tomorrow.