You've got to love yourself ... Just not in public places

I have never preheated an oven but I have pre-eaten a frozen pizza.

Who knew adulthood would involve so much Advil?

I ate a shepherd's pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.

Shaving your head is the "You can't fire me because i quit" approach to male pattern baldness.

Stress balls work really well when you shove them down someone's throat.

I don't care about Disney lying about the Prince Charmings out there. I'm more annoyed that random woodland creatures won't clean my house.

I need a leaf blower, but for people.

I now have permanent vision loss due to excessive eye-rolling at stupid idiots.

Never confuse the words "venom" and "poison". Venom is injected into blood by an animal. Poison is injected into food by a woman.

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Don't forget to get your hurricane glasses before looking at it.

Hurricanes, Fires,Tiger running loose ... Whoever is playing Jumanji needs to wrap it up

Upside to hurricanes... you might get a free boat delivered to your front yard.

You're never too old to be spanked ...If you play your cards right.

It must suck to be an air conditioner repairman. You spend your day working in buildings that have no air conditioning. When it's fixed and finally cool, you leave.

I'll admit I'm not perfect but what did the horse I rode in on do?

The only thing actually impossible in life is taking a picture for a group of women and having ALL of them like it.

A psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog’s IQ. Here’s how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.

Always carry a knife. You never know when cake might happen.

Anything can be considered your job if you hate it enough.