Alexa, clean up my act

My doctor prescribed me a nasal steroid. Now everything has a strong smell.

Place aluminum foil in a paper shredder ... BOOM TINSEL !!

I know winter has started when my neighbor returns my rake, and borrows my snow shovel.

Wait till they realize that Frosty has no pants and smokes a pipe in front of children.

Some people should use a glue stick instead of chap stick.

I need a vacation that I may or may not ever come back from.

Well, I guess we are going to see "The Nutcracker" on Saturday! My mother-in-law, not the play...

It’s so cute when recipes only say 1/4 cup of cheese. Bless their hearts.

Since Facebook claims ownership of everything you post on their website I think I should start uploading my bills.

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You know you are old when people start telling you how young you look.

FOUR STAGES OF A MANS LIFE : 1. You believe in santa. 2. You don't believe in santa. 3. You are santa. 4. You look like santa.

Turning on your lights and sirens after losing a drag race is just poor sportsmanship

Gonna go lay under the Christmas tree to remind my family I'm a gift

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

For a song about the piano man, the harmonica man won't shut up.

Welcome to your 40s. Drugs are no longer just for fun, they’re medicine now

I wonder where Noah kept the termites on the ark.

Gunpowder is just angry sand.

My grandfather use to say "Don't believe everything you hear." which was good advice...... Or was it ?