Not to brag or anything, but I don't need alcohol to make really bad decisions.

Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.

Next time you fill out a job application and it asks about military service, it is best not to mention that you've gone Commando a few times in your life.

If you run into someone you know and they say "we should hang out sometime", say "I'm ready to hang out now" and watch them panic.

Not to brag, but, I've already consumed 174% of my daily fat requirement.

Learn a lesson from your dog. No matter what life brings you, kick some grass over that crap and move on.

There is no logical reason why short pants should cost the same as long pants.

I have nothing to update. I'm just making it look like I'm doing something at a party so people won't talk to me.

That awkward moment when the woman your dancing behind bends over so you can grind it, and you realize she's just lost an earring and nobody in Starbucks can hear your iPod...

Why do people ask "What the hell were you thinking?" Obviously I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not get caught.

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I really have to stop using this little microphone on my phone that types whatever you say as it keeps making mistakes punctuation point

Do NOT accept friend requests from Hormel Foods, it could be spam...

One night, as I as lying in bed, I looked up at the stars and thought to myself: "What the f#ck happened to the roof?"

People need to stop putting flyers on my car. I don't want to see a band called "Parking Violation" at the "Courthouse."

Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets, are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?

I tried being awesome today, but I was just so tired from being awesome yesterday.

I wish the media and politicians would stop jumping to delusions.

It hurts when you go to unfriend someone and you find they've beat you to it!

The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance...The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there'