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Thousands of the best, funny, witty, hilarious, crazy, silly Facebook statuses and sayings. If you are looking for a funny status or funny saying, you can find them here.

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I'm giving up abbreviations for Lent. Laugh Out Loud
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 02.26.17 @ 12:34pm

A homeless guy asked me for money today and I thought, sure, heís probably just gonna spend it on booze and cigarettes. Then I remembered, thatís what I was gonna do, so we walked to the store together.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 02.26.17 @ 12:34pm

All I'm saying is that if you were a real psychic palm reader you would of made me wash my hands first.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 02.26.17 @ 12:34pm

Doctor told me to lose some weight, and suggested walking.So no more drive through taco bell. Now I park 5 spaces away and walk in
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 02.26.17 @ 12:33pm

Whoever figured out the 'days of the month correspond with your knuckles' thing had too much time on their hands
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 02.26.17 @ 12:33pm

What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 02.26.17 @ 12:33pm

Eleanor Roosevelt once said "Do one thing every day that scares you" and that's why I weigh myself in the mornings.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 02.26.17 @ 12:33pm

This relationship is going to be weird if you keep pretending I'm not your boyfriend.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 02.26.17 @ 12:33pm

Remember when the scariest thing we had to deal with was computers forgetting what year it was
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 02.26.17 @ 12:33pm

Keys to a good friendship. Same taste in alcohol. Different taste in women.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 02.26.17 @ 12:32pm

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Hello is this HP? Iíd like to make a return. I ordered a Laser Jet and you sent me a printer.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 02.26.17 @ 12:32pm

Not to interrupt your story, but do you have a completely different and possibly shorter story?
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 02.26.17 @ 12:32pm

Who named them veterinarians and not "dogtors"?
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 02.26.17 @ 12:32pm

Every member of my family is polite & courteous which I why our pantry has 17 boxes of cookies that contain exactly one remaining cookie
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 02.26.17 @ 12:32pm

The human body is roughly 60% water. I'm not fat, I'm flooded.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 02.26.17 @ 12:31pm

You know what I hate? People who answer their own questions.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 02.26.17 @ 12:31pm

"Wife dragged me to this theater. Somebody shoot me." -Abraham Lincoln's last Tweet.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 02.26.17 @ 12:31pm

I wish I could feel as happy as an adult, as I felt as a kid when the teacher wheeled in the TV during class
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 02.26.17 @ 12:31pm

I think a good gauge of my personality is that I watch Homeland to relax.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 02.26.17 @ 12:31pm

How do blind people know when to stop wiping their asses
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 02.26.17 @ 12:30pm

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