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Thousands of the best, funny, witty, hilarious, crazy, silly Facebook statuses and sayings. If you are looking for a funny status or funny saying, you can find them here.

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The longer I stay at home, the more homeless I look.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Monday, 12.26.16 @ 12:22pm

When I am working, I get paid to be nice. I don't understand why my friends and family expect me to do it for free during my time off.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Monday, 12.26.16 @ 12:22pm

Working in retail has taught me that the customer is always right. At least while they're in earshot...
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Monday, 12.26.16 @ 12:22pm

I got kicked out of my Community Theater group when the director asked to see me Limp. How was I to know he was talking about walking?
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Monday, 12.26.16 @ 12:22pm

I wish I was a jedi, but mostly just so I didn't have to bend over to pick up dog poop.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Monday, 12.26.16 @ 12:22pm

To whoever has my voodoo doll, please scratch between my butt cheeks. I'm out in public. Thanks.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Monday, 12.26.16 @ 12:21pm

Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is you are stupid and make bad decisions.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Monday, 12.26.16 @ 12:21pm

Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me, it means a lot.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Monday, 12.26.16 @ 12:21pm

When your kids become teenagers, it's important to have a dog so someone in the house is happy to see you.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Monday, 12.26.16 @ 12:21pm

Those awkward moments when you catch yourself feeling frustrated with your kids for being just like you....
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Monday, 12.26.16 @ 12:21pm

We would like to thank everyone that submits statuses to the site. Many get rejected because we don't think they are funny, or they are unreadable, or they are to inappropriate and offensive.
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It's such a cold winter this year that the squirrels are collecting more nuts than usual. So far 3 of my neighbors have disappeared...
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Monday, 12.26.16 @ 12:21pm

My favorite holiday spirit is poured over ice.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny Drinking status update saying on Monday, 12.26.16 @ 12:20pm

I'll never forget what my dad said when I gave him the picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator: "Wtf Dude, you're 23."
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Monday, 12.26.16 @ 12:20pm

I'm not the sort of person you should put on speakerphone.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Monday, 12.26.16 @ 12:20pm

Alarm clocks should come with sounds like “tiny doll feet scampering into the closet” because I am not hitting snooze when I hear that
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Monday, 12.26.16 @ 12:20pm

In the 1960s, if you said "All my music is in the cloud" it was due to mushrooms; not Apple.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Monday, 12.26.16 @ 12:19pm

The best thing about telepathy is... I know, right!?
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Monday, 12.26.16 @ 12:19pm

It takes a brave man to admit when his wife is wrong .
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Monday, 12.26.16 @ 12:19pm

Don't ya wish you could hold people up to the light like a $20 bill to tell if they're fake or real?
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Monday, 12.26.16 @ 12:19pm

Merry Christmas (I apologize if you're not Christian). Happy Hanukkah (I apologize if you're not Jewish). Happy Holidays (I apologize if you're not happy).
Posted By: Bear - Category: funny status update saying on Saturday, 12.24.16 @ 14:25pm

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