You really can't say your laundry is done unless you are completely naked

I was worried my notifications had stopped working but luckily I’m just unpopular.

I'm at the age where if someone says "Go big or go home," I'm usually fine with going home.

If a bag is not resealable then it contains one serving. I don’t make the rules.

We will always have that special 5 minutes before I started creeping you out.

Raise your hand if you have already spent your daylight savings

I turned out ok for a kid raised in a large part by Bugs Bunny.

I'm old enough to remember when apparently the worst thing life could hand you was lemons.

Sometimes people come into your life and they need to stop doing that

It's pretty amazing how many times my daughter likes to say "it's not fair!" considering she has never had to pay taxes

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If I could go back in time I would put cheese on a lot more things.

I need to re-home a dog. It’s a small terrier and tends to bark a lot. If your interested, let me know and I’ll jump over my neighbors fence and get it for you.

At first it was "Okay" and then "ok" and now "k" and soon it will disappear and you`ll all regret it

Fruit cocktail is the most disappointing of all the cocktails.

If you mix vodka, orange juice and milk of magnesia... Do you get a Phillips screwdriver?

Robots can do anything we set their mind to

Today I gave up procrastination for Lent.

Surgery beds are basically cutting boards for humans.

What is the difference between a trapeze artist and a supermodel?. The trapeze artist has a cunning stunt.

I take so many things with a grain of salt that I'm surprised I don't have high blood pressure.