I really need a long road trip, top down, in the Jeep...with a cooler....loud music....and an extra cooler in case the first one isn't enough

I was wondering why some couples don't go to the gym together but I guess some relationships just don't work out...

When one door closes, another opens ... I had a Chevette that was like that.

I just don't want to look back and think "I could've eaten that"

Happy 4th of July ... U can toss out the Christmas tree now

When I was young I could climb mountains, these days I have to steady myself to fart.

These peopele at the gym are looking at me like they expect me to share my donuts ... SMH

The only way a fidgey spinner would relieve my stress is if it was edible ...

Is food porn star a thing yet??

Don't get me wrong, Chinese food is amazing. But I'll be damned if they expect me to believe that a chicken fried this rice.

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A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.

To do list- (1). Go to pet store. (2). Buy bird seeds. (3). Ask how long it will take for the birds to grow. (4). Wait for the reaction.

Would an obsession with the imperial measurement system be considered a foot fetish?

Lightning bugs use their blinkers more than most drivers.

Not everything on CNN is fake news. Some of it is commercials.

I think I'm approaching my "best if used by" date

How do Amish girls know if it's a romantic candle lit dinner or just a regular one #DeepThoughts

This generation is guilty of making the wrong people rich and famous.

If there's no gravity underwater, why do mermaids need those seashell bra's?

I'm gonna start a secret porn industry and call it "the Illuminaughty".