You call it "Blacking Out" I call it a "Surprise Nap"

Have you ever tried blind-folded archery? You don't know what you're missing.

Anyone else find it odd that on Star Trek, when they "boldly go where no one has gone before" they always end up meeting someone?

I wish tanning beds could pop you out like a toaster when you're finished.

Imagine how out of control drinking would if we didn't have hangovers

I bet Jellyfish are sad that there are no Peanut Butter fish.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong...and a Tax is a fine for doing well

My Bills are so big that I have to call them William now.

Hard liquor because I don't don't have time or patience to sit around drinking 9 bottles of wine every day

Sometimes I buy huge pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.

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Can you imagine how sexy I'd be if I ate right and took care of my body... I'm not going to, but can you imagine

Driving with your gas tank door open is the equivalent to having your zipper down.

The only difference between a weekday and a weekend is which boss is telling me to do things.

Targeted ads are trying to sell me a new mattress nowadays. With how much Google knows about me you'd think they'd cap themselves at something like $5 footlongs or stationary.

When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

Step 1: remove food from packaging Step 2: dig packaging out of trash to locate cook time

Dogs love you even if you’re ugly.

I've been taking viagara for my sunburn........ It doesn't cure it...... but it does keep the sheets off my legs at night.

ME: “We have a problem, the liquor store is closed.” HER: “That's ok, I don’t drink.” ME: “Ok we have two problems.”

When I was a kid, my parents told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, this is called "Identity Theft".