The club sandwich, for when a knuckle sandwich just isn't enough...

I hope when I die, it's early in the morning so I don't go to work that day for no reason.

I lost 3 pounds over the weekend, but not to worry I found them lastnight at pizza hut

Why don't family members send me money for my birthday anymore? I need it now more than when I was 7

When you are on a first date and she says to you: "I want you to treat me like a movie star," it is vitally important to establish which type of movie

Offering a homeless dude $5 from across the street is my version of Frogger.

It only takes a few seconds to show someone how you feel about them......the police call it indecent exposure but whatever.

As soon as the Zombie Apocalypse hits I'm grabbing a sledgehammer and heading down to the local cemetery for the greatest game of Whack-A-Mole ever.

FB friends, no one gives a ratsass what concerts you went to...

If relationship breakups never existed, the music industry would go Bankrupt !

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I hate it when I see some old person and then realize that we went to school together

Before social networking you could just completely forget someone existed and it was....GREAT!

The fact that Pitbul is even considered a musician is more disgusting than the fact that toothpaste was invented years after french kissing was.

It's funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side, my roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing.

My new diet plan consists of multiple naps. Because you can't stuff your face when you're sleeping.

My inner self is in Photoshop

I love how twix come with two bars so I can eat one now and the other immediately after

Every cigarette you smoke takes 5 minutes off your student loan debt.

The grass is always greener where the bodies are buried.

The pollen levels are so high this year that it has the crackheads trying to convert their meth back into Sudafed...