Every loaf of bread is a tragic story about a field of grain that could have become beer but didn't.

Pro tip: Bakeries don't check ID's so you can buy a birthday cake whenever you want!!

I said Alexa, what do women want? The damn thing has not shut up for the past three days.

Why do the Flintstones celebrate Christmas?

All porn videos should start with 5 seconds music to remind you that your volume is turned up

Drinking rum before 10am makes you a pirate, not an alcoholic!

Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything

Confucius said: "To be old and wise, you first have to be young and stupid."

You can't watch the news and drink a glass of water at the same time anymore.

It sucks being a grown up. Nobody tells you you did a good job when you eat all of your food.

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I'm just glad chicken breast don't have nipples

I bought an awesome watch the other day, It was waterproof, shockproof, fireproof, bulletproof, acidproof, childproof & scratchproof. I lost it.

If you can't find your wife or GF at the mall, just start talking to the hottest girl you see and she'll appear out of nowhere.

If you get excited that jumping on the bed won't spill the wineglass on the other side, you're probably an alcoholic.

When people hate you, hold your head high and your finger higher.

If I've learned anything in my 23 years on earth, it's that it's okay to lie about your age.

First rule of Fast Food management: Always put the employee with the worst accent on the drive-thru.

Sometimes I think sharks eat people just so they can be on tv.

There's a big difference between a wise guy and a wise man...

Lobster tail and beer are three of my favorite things!