It's fun to leave a note on the windshield of an expensive car saying sorry I smashed it, but I fixed it so well that you can't tell.

Breaking News: Viagra shippment stolen... Cops are looking for a gang of hardened criminals.

My Therapist told me not to drink while I'm on my Meds but little does she know...I've been off my Meds for almost a week now!

If you ask me, every Friday is a Good Friday.

In the spirit of spring cleaning and Easter, I'm keeping the dust bunnies as decorations.

United should roll out Rodeo Rewards where you get paid based on how long you are able to stay on the plane when you are chosen to volunteer.

It's always best to fart when there's a baby on the bus. They always get the blame.

A new heavy metal Christian Rock band will soon be releasing their debut album. They're called Nuns 'n' Moses.

I bet now a lot of doctors are going to be reluctant to respond to “Is there a doctor on the plane?”

I'm out of bacon. This is my suicide note.

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Receptionist: "The doctor will see you now." Invisible Man: "Finally, a cure!"

Do you think all the giraffes sit around and watch Margaret in Nebraska give birth?

I love it when I Google something I should know the answer to and find out 308 people are just as dumb as I am.

I was hooked on auctions after only going once... going twice

I was trying to think of something really deep to post on Facebook this morning. The Mariana Trench comes to mind.

United Airlines.... Board as Doctor, leave as patient.

Financial status: I hope United Airlines drags me off my flight

I like people. I just don't want them talking to me. Or breathing near me. Or making me look up from my phone.

My friend works at a rubber dog poop factory. He'll never get rich, but he makes doo.

If I ever start a band, I'm going to call it The Voices in My Head. Think of all the fun ways you can tell other people what you're listening to...