Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He said thanks how do you know I’m not a serial killer? I replied the chances of two serial killer’s being in the same car are astronomical.

Meal prepping is basically eating a week's worth of leftovers from a meal that never happened.

Don’t piss off old people. The older they get, the less ‘life in prison’ is a deterrent.

Is it just me or doesn't anyone disappear in the Bermuda triangle anymore?

I hate when I’m walking into the gym and the wind blows me into the liquor store.

I don't get personal trainers. I've never been exercising and thought "man, I wish someone hot was criticizing me right now."

Kids maybe a gift..... But I like playing with the box it came in.

They say if the palm of your hand itches, you're going to get something. And if your crouch itches, you've already got it.

I think the only way I'll ever be motivated to go to the gym is if I'm in prison.

The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.

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Futons are the most disappointing Transformers ever.

Ironing boards are just surf boards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs.

The Great Wall of China has brought more foreigners than it has kept out.

When you're a kid, it makes you feel proud when someone says "Wow! You've gotten so big since the last time I saw you!" As an adult, not so much.

I don't know why I ever signed up for Facebook. I mean like seriously, this dating website sucks!

When we give each other a thumbs up, it's our way of mocking every other animal on earth.

I spent at least half an hour trying to get my girlfriends bra off. I will never try wearing that again.

I can't wait for the day when my kids are old enough that I can drink with them and not because of them.

Ever since I installed Adblocker, I have been severely depressed. Hot singles in my area are no longer interested in me.

I came home one day all proud as can be with my report card and said to my Mom ,Look I got a B in reading , She said that's a D you moron !