How do you people have the time to hate a stranger on the internet?

I have a lot on my plate right now. Not busy, just hungry.

I live in a small town where the population never changes. Every time a girl gets pregant a guy leaves town.

Success is like being pregnant. Everybody congratulates you, But nobody knows how many times you were ****** before you got there.

I thought Row vs. Wade was Washington's decision when he reached the Delaware.

Just deserts: When a cashier hands you dollar bills back as change. Hold them up to the light like they do when you pay them.

It's a good thing farting isn't as contagious as yawning.

Scariest thing ever: when a kid sings a nursery rhyme really slow.

Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.

"Dont make me regret this!" is something I say to myself every time I accept a facebook friendship from a relative.

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Saying "think outside the box" is a pretty inside the box suggestion.

You can't lick any part of your reflection except your tongue.

I do all my own stunts, but never intentionally.

A picture is worth a thousand words, but it takes up a lot more hard drive space.

It's remarkable how much I can get done out of sheer spite.

If I could move things by telekinesis I'd squeeze people's insides and make them fart.

If you raise your children, you spoil your grandkids. If you spoil your children, you raise your grandkids.

I believe in living every day like it's my last day, and on my last day, I plan to take it easy.

The one good thing about an egotist. They don't talk about other people.

You know why it's called almond milk? Cuz you can't say nut juice with a straight face