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Thousands of the best, funny, witty, hilarious, crazy, silly Facebook statuses and sayings. If you are looking for a funny status or funny saying, you can find them here.

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There should be reality show where 16 congressmen are forced to take jobs in the private sector.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Saturday, 12.23.17 @ 14:38pm

When your Dr. says "I'll need to Google that"..... it's time to change Doctors
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Saturday, 12.23.17 @ 14:38pm

When a guy says "I'm Fine" what he is really trying to say is that he is fine.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Saturday, 12.23.17 @ 14:38pm

Cake and pie canít compete. If you put candles in a cake itís birthday cake. Put candles in a pie and someoneís drunk in the kitchen.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Saturday, 12.23.17 @ 14:38pm

A trail of clothes leading to my bedroom means that I dropped them on the way from the dryer ... That's all.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 12.17.17 @ 15:08pm

Apparently "whiskey and wild women" is not an acceptable answer when asked what your weaknesses are during a job interview.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 12.17.17 @ 15:08pm

If anyone has ever told you that you snore, just know that person has very carefully weighed the pros and cons of letting you live.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 12.17.17 @ 15:07pm

People pay to sponsor animals in the wild and get pic updates on it. Well if anyone would like to sponsor me I will send you a selfie a day.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 12.17.17 @ 15:07pm

If people don't occasionally walk away from you shaking their heads, you're doing something wrong.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 12.17.17 @ 15:07pm

You question whether you are getting old when your barber asks if your eyebrows need trimming, and you know it when he does it without asking
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 12.17.17 @ 15:06pm

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A friend of mine asked what it's like to raise a small toddler so I coughed directly in his mouth
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 12.17.17 @ 15:06pm

Christmas tip: Wrap empty boxes and put them under the tree. Everytime your child acts up, throw one in the fireplace.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny Christmas status update saying on Sunday, 12.17.17 @ 15:06pm

I told everyone at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I won't have to talk to them.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 12.17.17 @ 15:05pm

You've already put up your Christmas tree? That's nothing. I'm already drunk for St. Patrick's Day.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny Christmas status update saying on Sunday, 12.17.17 @ 15:05pm

Would you like to donate $1 to this charity or leave the checkout line feeling like human scum?
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 12.17.17 @ 15:05pm

Sorry if my phone keeps calling you, it's voice activated. I'm at the mall and everytime santa says Ho, Ho, Ho, it dials your number
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny Christmas status update saying on Sunday, 12.17.17 @ 15:04pm

When you're a kid, dick jokes are considered adult content, but when you're an adult, they're considered immature.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 12.17.17 @ 15:04pm

A touching letter by a little girl to Santa on Christmas: Dear Santa, Please give clothes to all those poor ladies in daddy's laptop
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny Christmas status update saying on Sunday, 12.17.17 @ 15:04pm

MARRIAGE TIP: Don't get fat.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 12.17.17 @ 15:03pm

Swiss army knives are only like 8% knife.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 12.17.17 @ 15:03pm

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