Sorry I'm late, I didnt want to come

If there's one thing I've learned hiking, it's the early bird gets the face full of spider webs

With the rise of self-driving vehicles, eventually there will be a country song about how your truck left you too.

According to science the atoms in my body contain the energy of 30 hydrogen bombs, and yet, not enough energy to get up early and go jogging.

After all these years I finally figured out that that last little piece of soap is more trouble than it's worth.

I went to open a can of Whoop-Ass but it had a child-proof lid.

Non-alcoholic beer is like a vibrator without batteries. It fills you up nicely but without the buzz.

The secret to happiness is a good sense of humor and a bad memory.

It isn't a successful BBQ until an intoxicated idiot runs face first into a sliding glass door. I'm fine by the way.

At this point in my life the only reason I want to be rich is to hire somebody to clean my house.

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If pigs could fly, nobody would be eating chicken wings.

So you have 820 friends on Facebook and yet no one was around to take your picture when you decided to use the mirror for a good shot?

My "check engine" light came on while driving to work this morning. I looked and the engine is still there...silly light.

Sometimes, I'm offended at how easily offended some people get.

I'm lucky to be broke at a time when minimalism and sustainability are in style.

Of course size matters. No one wants a small pizza.

I'll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.

When you realize that your car matches the one in the Amber Alert.

I only call them yoga pants because Netflix and eat leftovers pants was too long.

Slutty girls are like Walmarts, everyone makes fun of them but when you're inside one at 4am you think, i'm glad these are here.