I ate the whole box of Slim Fast bars. So excited about how skinny I'll be when I wake up tomorrow.

"No, thanks. I'm a vegetarian." is a fun thing to say when someone hands you their baby.

Good For OJ, he gets to take another stab at life..

"Fidget Spinners are so dumb pointless." -The generation that purchased over 5 million Pet Rocks.

Shouldn't there have been at least one scene in The Karate Kid where Daniel's mom was like "Why are you constantly in that old man's shed?"

Life before the internet was awful. Your friend would be wrong about a trivial issue during dinner and you just had to let it go

Having to cash in my State Quarter Collection's map for gas money is reaching a new low.

Politicians are people who have too little an amount of morals and ethics to remain lawyers.

In case of fire, do not use the elevator. Use water...

Earlier this morning, I was invited to join an XXX Facebook group. I was somewhat intrigued until I realized it was a group for guys who like to wear really really big shirts.

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I just want to read, have a snack, then take a nap. Basically, I just want to be in kindergarten again.

Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth. I woke up half an hour later & my whole apartment was on the internet.

I like to read magazines about parenting. That way, I can learn all the things my parents did wrong and I can go back to them and say "See? This is the reason I am like I am."

How do you spot a blind man at a nude beach? It's not hard.

Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.

Rump roast is called rump roast because nobody would eat it if it was called cow's ass

Doc: ''Hows your headache ?'' Me: ''She's at home''

My dentist just told me I need a crown..... I know, right??

My doctor prescribed me xanax instead of birth control pills I asked for. Now I have 9 kids, but I don't care.

Can you imagine the reactions 25 years ago if you showed someone a photo album of pictures you took of yourself in the bathroom?