I'm holding cheerleader try outs for my "Fantasy football team". Full outfits are encourage but not necessary.

Does rocking a vending machine count as exercise?

I just found out that сосk fighting is done with chickens? That's 12 months of training gone to waste!

I just hooked up my wireless printer but I'm not sure which neighbor has my documents.

If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.

Well, to be frank, I'd have to change my name.

I shouldn't have driven home from the bar last night. Especially since I walked there.

I bought a high definition TV because I felt the lack of resolution was affecting my ability to solve cases on CSI

That annoying moment when you cannot find the long side of your blanket.

Most people write congrats because they don't know the spelling of congrajulashions

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I think people who use the wrong word should have the humidity to admit it.

If laziness was an Olympic sport, I'd probably come in fourth so I wouldn't need to walk up to the podium.

Spice things up in the bedroom by loosening the ceiling fan.

Always remember to the change the oil in your time machine once every 6 months or 3,000 years.

My mom's texts are so much more fun after my sister told her that WTF means "Wow, That's Fantastic."

The only difference between brown nosing and butt kissing is depth perception.

If you send an e-mail to someone in jail, are you allowed to attach a file?

At my age, you have home Ibuprofen and work Ibuprofen.

My dog acts like he's always auditioning to be my best friend. I'm like "Dude, you already got the part...you can relax."

The only difference between a weekday and a weekend is which boss is telling me to do things.