How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two, but the more important question is, how did they get in there in the first place?

Running feels great unless you compare it to not running

Nothing shuts my pie hole more than an actual pie.

Cooking Tip: If you're tired of always having to boil water everytime you make pasta, boil a few gallons at the beginning of the week and freeze it for later ... you're welcome!

Any pencil can be a number two pencil if you eat it.

You know you're drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on

Married 24 years now. All I recall about my wedding day is something about death.

Whenever a little kid asks me to push him on the swing I remind him there are children his age in China making iPhones.

My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet... Oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.

My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.

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There is no life on earth without water. Because without water, there is no coffee. And without coffee, I'll kill you all.

Sometimes my attention span is shorter than a gold fish crackers are delicious.

Sexual education classes in school should just be listening to a baby cry for 5 hours straight while watching the same cartoon on repeat.

I hate when a couple argues in public but I missed the start and don't know whose side I'm on.

If you can't think of a word, say "I forget the English word for it". That way people will think you're bilingual instead of an idiot.

I wonder how long I’d be on hold if my call wasn’t important to them...

“Nevermind.” Translation... You should’ve listened the first time.

No, I do not want to talk about how I got all these scratches. On a completely unrelated note; If you've ever wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase,,,.. it’s 9.

Relationships always start out as "You're smart and funny." and end up as "You think you know everything and it's all a joke to you!"

I prefer my kale with a silent "K"