Not to brag, but I don’t need to smoke pot to get the munchies.

At work, sometimes I secretly brew decaf coffee in the normal pot so that everyone else works at my pace.

One person forgetting to take their medication can really liven up a mundane day at the office.

Modern video games are giving kids unrealistic standards of how many swords they can carry at one time.

An egg salad is really just a chicken salad that is really underdone.

Do you ever get bored on the internet and then grab your phone to see what the other, smaller internet is up to?

I like how Reese's come with two peanut butter cups in the package. That way I can eat one now and then the other one right afterwards.

I mean really though...Why wash cups when you can just drink out of the jug?

The batteries in my electric toothbrush died before I finished. I've never sympathized more with women in my life.

Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge.

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People are way less judgmental when you say you had an "avocado salad" instead of saying you ate a bowl of guacamole.

I am looking at this online special deal at Disneyworld and thinking no, my kids can annoy me just fine right here at home.

"No I don’t need any help. I know more about booze than you do" - Me to the liquor store clerk

Bring donuts so your coworkers will like you. Cut them in half so they will hate you again.

People should mute themselves on conference calls when they are crossing a battlefield and killing enemies to get to the next level.

The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from.

So exactly what age will I stop falling over while trying to put on my underwear?

I hope the next big trend in music is Talent.

Congratulations on becoming a homeowner! From now on, every noise you hear will cost you money.

Running shoes? No, I don't run. These are my "better hurry up the liquor store is about to close" shoes.