French people give me the crepes.

You never know how little self control you have until they put chips and salsa in front of you at a Mexican restaurant.

Boss just announced she is leaving early. What a coincidence. So am I.

Some people should come with subtitles.

I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like "Dude, you have to wait."

If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say "pound me."

The most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. At least, that's what the restraining order says.

I have no interest in skydiving. I get enough of an adrenaline rush hoping my credit card goes through

United Airlines was just voted number one in Chinese takeout!

It’s so nice outside I should probably close the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen.

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Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.

Then there was the ex-cop who started his own landscaping business. He called it Lawn Order.

I put my phone on airplane mode, and it dragged me out of my seat.

I knew the fun part of my life was over when my friends started getting pregnant on purpose

My wife is a sex object. Every time I want to have sex, she’ll object.

It's finally here! .. That time of year when my seasonal depression turns into just regular depression.

Kinda makes you wonder how many employees used to piss on their hands in the bathroom before management finally took action

Tequila... It's not just for breakfast anymore...

I watch so many crime shows on Tv, that when I turn off the Tv set, I wipe my fingerprints 0ff the remote.

Announcement: .. the Time Travelers Meeting scheduled for today will be held last Thursday