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Thousands of the best, funny, witty, hilarious, crazy, silly Facebook statuses and sayings. If you are looking for a funny status or funny saying, you can find them here.

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Sorry I'm late, I didnt want to come
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Tuesday, 07.4.17 @ 12:37pm

If there's one thing I've learned hiking, it's the early bird gets the face full of spider webs
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Tuesday, 07.4.17 @ 12:37pm

With the rise of self-driving vehicles, eventually there will be a country song about how your truck left you too.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Saturday, 06.24.17 @ 13:24pm

According to science the atoms in my body contain the energy of 30 hydrogen bombs, and yet, not enough energy to get up early and go jogging.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Saturday, 06.24.17 @ 13:24pm

After all these years I finally figured out that that last little piece of soap is more trouble than it's worth.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Saturday, 06.24.17 @ 13:24pm

I went to open a can of Whoop-Ass but it had a child-proof lid.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Saturday, 06.24.17 @ 13:24pm

Non-alcoholic beer is like a vibrator without batteries. It fills you up nicely but without the buzz.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Saturday, 06.24.17 @ 13:24pm

The secret to happiness is a good sense of humor and a bad memory.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Saturday, 06.24.17 @ 13:24pm

It isn't a successful BBQ until an intoxicated idiot runs face first into a sliding glass door. I'm fine by the way.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Saturday, 06.24.17 @ 13:23pm

At this point in my life the only reason I want to be rich is to hire somebody to clean my house.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Saturday, 06.24.17 @ 13:23pm

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If pigs could fly, nobody would be eating chicken wings.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Saturday, 06.24.17 @ 13:22pm

So you have 820 friends on Facebook and yet no one was around to take your picture when you decided to use the mirror for a good shot?
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Saturday, 06.24.17 @ 13:22pm

My "check engine" light came on while driving to work this morning. I looked and the engine is still there...silly light.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Saturday, 06.24.17 @ 13:22pm

Sometimes, I'm offended at how easily offended some people get.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Saturday, 06.24.17 @ 13:21pm

I'm lucky to be broke at a time when minimalism and sustainability are in style.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Saturday, 06.24.17 @ 13:21pm

Of course size matters. No one wants a small pizza.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Saturday, 06.24.17 @ 13:21pm

I'll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Saturday, 06.24.17 @ 13:21pm

When you realize that your car matches the one in the Amber Alert.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Saturday, 06.24.17 @ 13:21pm

I only call them yoga pants because Netflix and eat leftovers pants was too long.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Saturday, 06.24.17 @ 13:21pm

Slutty girls are like Walmarts, everyone makes fun of them but when you're inside one at 4am you think, i'm glad these are here.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Saturday, 06.24.17 @ 13:20pm

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