The joy of finding out that your boss is going on a holiday is way greater than you yourself going on one

No need to thank me for accepting your friend request. We'll both regret it soon enough.

Just had workplace violence training. It's like HR doesn't even care about the first rule of fight club.

A worm is a pretty disappointing prize for getting up early if you ask me.

Not sure what my spirit animal is, but I am sure it has rabies

happy 3rd birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge

If you work Security in a Samsung store does that make you a Guardian of the Galaxy?

If you grew up wanting to be a Plumber or a Pizza delivery boy, You watched too much porn as a kid.

You can always make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.

Dear Maytag: Why don't your dryers have a Fold cycle? It's 2018 for chrissake!

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To the person who stole my antidepressants..I hope you're happy now!!!

There's a big difference between a mechanic and a surgeon when they work on a tranny.

Do you know what this house is missing? A box of $#!+, Let's get a cat.

Maybe it's the washer and not the dryer that steals the socks.

I sometimes check my blocklist to see how my prisoners are doing

Babe, you look Hot! Is your air conditioner broken?

I don't know what I would do without Facebook, but I'm sure it would be something more productive

Doing it wrong is the only thing I do right.

Despite the high cost of living, it still remains popular.

If you're going to be a smartass, you must first be smart. Otherwise, you're just an ass.