Horse racing is like NASCAR only slower and with poop.

How do amish girls know if its a romantic candle lit dinner or just a regular candle lit dinner.

If I procrastinated any harder right now, it would have to involve time travel.

Hello customer service, I ate two happy meals and I’m still not happy

If by O.P.P. you mean Other People’s Pancakes, then yes I’m down with O.P.P.

If you were dating an FBI agent and you broke up, they would be your fed ex.

People often say laughter is the best medicine, but they neglect to mention that an overdose can cause one’s ass to fall off.

If you take Viagra with iron supplements it will cause you spin around and point North.

Note to self: you never read these notes so stop writing them.

Anything is possible when you have no clue what you're talking about

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Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.

I don't mind that my wife goes out to play bingo every night. It's the coming back home part that bothers me.

The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.

The opposite of "tying the knot" is "no strings attached"

Does any one know how to lower the difficulty settings on tinder?

To the lady at Costco with her son on a leash. I'm sorry that I asked if he was a rescue.

"I'll let you know" = I need more time to come up with an excuse

Having a bit of a lazy day! I'm sitting in my underwear looking for better jobs online ... My boss doesn't look amused.

If you rearrange the letters of "postmen" they get really pissed off.

If there is such thing as a fake noodle, does that make it an impasta?