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Thousands of the best, funny, witty, hilarious, crazy, silly Facebook statuses and sayings. If you are looking for a funny status or funny saying, you can find them here.

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A smart man washes his hands after he pees. A wise man doesn't pee on his fingers.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 04.9.17 @ 12:47pm

Now reached the age where getting lucky is what happens when I can remember where I set my glasses down at
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 04.9.17 @ 12:47pm

Exercise makes you look better naked. Alcohol does the same, you pick..
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 03.26.17 @ 16:41pm

If you step on someone's foot, they open their mouth just like trash cans.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 03.26.17 @ 16:41pm

Not sure what's longer. A microwave minute or a treadmill minute.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 03.26.17 @ 16:41pm

I would really like to help you move your furniture tomorrow, but Iím going to be too busy sitting on mine.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 03.26.17 @ 16:41pm

Spent 40 minutes on the treadmill this morning. Next time I might turn it on.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 03.26.17 @ 16:41pm

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 03.26.17 @ 16:41pm

Two clowns are eating a cannibal. One turns to the other and says "I think we got this joke wrong."
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 03.26.17 @ 16:40pm

I hear lots of doctors are prescribing medical marijuana for arthritis. Given that arthritis is "inflammation of the joints", it's fighting fire with fire!
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 03.26.17 @ 16:40pm

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Every time I'm about to win an argument with my wife, someone wakes me up...
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 03.26.17 @ 16:40pm

Sometimes I meet people and feel sorry for their dog.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 03.26.17 @ 16:40pm

Itís hard to trust humans; even the blind prefer to be guided by dogs.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 03.26.17 @ 16:40pm

Studies show that if you begin a sentence with "studies show," the internet will believe you.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 03.26.17 @ 16:40pm

Go to O'Reilly Auto Parts website and type, '121G' in the search bar.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 03.26.17 @ 16:39pm

Zebras are just horses that escaped from prison.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 03.26.17 @ 16:39pm

When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 03.26.17 @ 16:39pm

My therapist doesn't believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 03.26.17 @ 16:39pm

I may be delusional but at least I'm going to Mars in November.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 03.26.17 @ 16:39pm

Patience is what I have when there are too many witnesses.
Posted By: Guest - Category: funny status update saying on Sunday, 03.26.17 @ 16:39pm

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