A worm is a pretty disappointing prize for getting up early if you ask me.

If "The Breakfast Club" was made today, it would be a silent film about five kids staring at their phone

I’m not a sore loser ... thanks to Vicodin.

Answering my phone and saying... FBI fraud division. Has really cut down on the telemarketers.

I exercised once, but found I was allergic to it. My skin flushed and my heart raced. I got sweaty and short of breath. Very dangerous.

Dear future husband, here’s a few things you need to know If you want to be my one and only all my life. I will not be an ex wife .. only a widow

7,000 people were treated in emergency rooms for injuries sustained from fireworks. Don’t be a statistic, let your friend light the fuse

All cookies are "bite size" if you believe in yourself enough.

When things get to stressful I hit the jim.......... Beam.

Since 4th of July falls on a Wednesday do we drink the weekend before? the weekend after? That Wednesday? The entire week? The entire month? The entire year?

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Before I die I'm going to eat a bag of popcorn kernels. My cremation should be spectacular.

I wish I could afford to be as weird as I wanna be.

Deaf people don't have safe words, they use stop signs.

You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores? Same. But I'm in a liquor store.

Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me. Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.

My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I'm camping, I won't be covered.

I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally things like this don't bother me, but it was in my Big Mac.

Arguing with people in the comments section is like crack for me. I don't do it.

A person who is bad at math should never take a calculated risk.

I am a brilliant man, I just sometimes can't remember where I parked my car.