I don't know why I ever signed up for Facebook. I mean like seriously, this dating website sucks!

When we give each other a thumbs up, it's our way of mocking every other animal on earth.

I spent at least half an hour trying to get my girlfriends bra off. I will never try wearing that again.

I can't wait for the day when my kids are old enough that I can drink with them and not because of them.

Ever since I installed Adblocker, I have been severely depressed. Hot singles in my area are no longer interested in me.

I came home one day all proud as can be with my report card and said to my Mom ,Look I got a B in reading , She said that's a D you moron !

*Opens box of cereal* We’ve updated our Privacy Policy

Fitness nuts have to do an entire marathon to feel a runner's high..... I just have to bend over and tie my shoes.

Today has me seriously evaluating my policy of not drinking on the job.

I don't know who I feel more sorry for.. myself for never being able to find where I parked my car?.. or the poor bastards following me through the parking lot hoping to take my parking space...

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It takes one slow walking person in the grocery store, to remove the illusion that I'm a nice person.

Sixth in line to the throne takes on a different meaning when you’re not in the royal family but in a dive bar.

I met a girl who told me that she broke up with her last boyfriend because he just didn't work out. Which is when I knew, she wasn't the one for me, as I hate to work out as well.

Thanks to whoever made electrical outlets look like tiny screaming faces trapped inside my walls I can't make eye contact.

Step 1: Remove food from packaging. Step 2: Throw out packaging Step. 3: Dig packaging out of trash to locate cook time, Repeat steps 2 & 3 as necessary

Why do I get the feeling that a lot of adults nowadays who ask kids "What do you want to be when you grow up?" are just trying to come up with some ideas?

I decided to bury the hatchet with that neighbor I never got along with. After all, it is the murder weapon.

You never really know a woman, until she takes you to court.

A high school diploma takes you 12 years to get, 2 minutes to frame and a lifetime to forget where you put it.

Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower. But I'll be telling everyone it's from having sex while skydiving.