I can walk up to any dog, rub its belly and make a friend ... That trick rarely works on people.

I'd like to read an obituary that says "He laid down the boogie and played that funky music till he died."

I've been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants. Feefiphobia.

You know you've reached adulthood when your bed is in the middle of the wall instead of in the corner.

You can tell a lot about someone by whether they read HP as horsepower or hit points.

I just saw a woman at Walmart with March Madness teeth ... She was down to the final four.

Got a new blood pressure monitor, says it turns off after 6 minutes of inactivity .....

If wookies have a 400 year life span, then Han Solo is basically like Chewbacca's third dog.

Being a camera must be pretty cool. You get to sleep until there's something cool to see.

My therapist says I have imposter syndrome. But come on, I'm not good enough to have something fancy like that.

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The Best Excuse given by a Lady for Missing Work ! "My husband took an overdose of Viagra.....Couldn't leave him alone with the Maid"

Surgery is just stabbing someone to life.

Women have a lot more experience dealing with bloodstains than men. Men are convicted of murder a lot more than women. Coincidence?

I'm not leaving here without some kind of balloon.

What's the difference between a Garbanzo Bean and a Chickpea? I never had a Garbanzo Bean on my face.

Space heaters are the perfect housewarming gifts.

Please rephrase your question in the form of a compliment.

How does one get suspended with full pay and benefits? Asking for a friend who is actually me.

This is bullshit. It's like the cops don't even know that the speed limit is different when you're listening to AC/DC.

Did you know you can go to any gym without having to announce it on Facebook?