In a weird twist,,, The longer I stay at home,,, The more homeless I look.

I'm tired of people assuming I've got a good personality because I'm ugly.

Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?

My friend says to me, "What rhymes with orange?" I said, "No it doesn't."

I’m supporting our troops today by going commando.

I can take care of my drunk friends, so the responsibility of having children doesn't worry me.

Why do we call it the Sun instead of a space heater?

Learn to fight like you're the third monkey trying to get on the Ark!

The hardest thing about my juice cleanse is trying to juice Snickers

If someone found a legit way to make penises bigger, no one would believe them.

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You know you're a bad driver when Siri says, " In 400 feet, stop and let me out".

A friend came over visibly shaken. He said he had just slept with his 3rd cousin. I told him, if it upsets you that much quit counting them.

I recently added squats to my daily workout routine and I did so by moving my beer to the bottom shelf in my refrigerator.

I remember being able to get up without making sound effects. Good times.

Each day is a gift, but some days are socks and underwear

Dear automatic flushing toilet. I appreciate the enthusiasm, but I wasn't quite finished...

I've got big plans for the weekend. If things go well, come Monday morning I'm gonna need a chiropractor, a psychiatrist, a priest and bail money.

Now that there is no FBI director we can finally make copies of VHS tapes

I'm never free but I'm available.

All I'm saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old...