Sometimes I drink water just to surprise my liver

You know you're getting old when bending over is a one-way trip.

Why is it called mooning when you're actually showing uranus?

eHarmony matched me with a bean bag chair with duct tape on it

If you think buying condoms is awkward, try returning them...

I hate it when people radiotype us blondes as dumb.

I'm great at spelling bees ... But hopless at spelling other words.

So a year ago today I asked a really beautiful friend out on a date and today I asked her to marry me. She said no both times.

Business plan : 1. hold sign that says "free hugs" 2. Whisper during the hug, "it's $50 to let go"

Kids may be a gift, but I like playing with the box it came in.

We would like to thank everyone that submits statuses to the site. Many get rejected because we don't think they are funny, or they are unreadable, or they are to inappropriate and offensive.

Check out more at Almost Silly Statuses

Do gun manuals haue a trouble shooting section?

Living alone is pretty cool, I don't even know if my bathroom door closes

Sometimes I think hip hop music gets a bad rap.

I might get a job cleaning mirrors,its a job I can see myself doing.

I'm afraid if I start working out, I'll be too sexy

Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I'm driving.

Remember, pretty much all of the “tough guys” you see on TV and movies were theater majors in college.

The phrase "the truth shall set you free" does not apply to murder.

A hospital is the only commercial establishment where the worse service they provide you, the more you'll come back.

Big shout-out to slugs for doing everything a snail does but without a helmet.