The mailman just delivered an 8-track of Boz Skaggs Greatest Hits. I guess this fulfills my Columbia House obligation.

And now it's too hot outside to take down the Christmas lights

Sometimes I add things to my to-do list that I’ve already done just so I can immediately cross them off.

Ever had one of those days that you feel like you should have skipped the morning coffee and went straight for the booze?

What if the lightbulb had never been invented? How would we know when someone has a really good idea?

I keep forgetting how bad my memory has become

Chocolate is a flavor of milk, and milk is a flavor of chocolate.

I think the guy who invented the word kumquats should have gotten to name more stuff!

If a Jehovah's Witness dies and goes to heaven does God hide behind the Pearly Gates and pretend he's not home?

If anxiety was good for weight loss, I'd be back to my birth weight.

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My memory foam has amnesia

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody is there to appreciate it.

I'm good at counting cards. I keep ending up with 52.

Wow comma I just realized if I tap the microphone on my keyboard I don't have to type out my statuses anymore exclamation point

I’m just gonna let my pillow decide my hairstyle for tomorrow.

It's hard to be a good person when kids fit so perfectly into trash cans.

A stranger at Walmart just coughed in my face, so I've probably only got two, maybe three, days to live.

Procrastination is a dish best served eventually.

If you're sick and tired of every Asshole on Facebook asking you to copy and paste stuff as your status, please copy and paste this as your status.

My new diet is not buying things at the store that make the cashier say wow someone's having a party