"Ramen." - Scooby Doo finishing a prayer.

It's amazing how different the phrases "alcohol free" and "free alcohol" are.

Often, when I am reading a good book I stop and thank my teacher. Well, I used to. Until she got that restraining order.

Everyone is gifted......But not everyone opens their present

For Sale. Old batteries, free of charge.

With so many things coming back in style, I can't wait until morals and intelligence become a trend again.

Saying I have a drinking problem is like saying Bruce Lee had a kung fu problem, it's not a problem if you're good at it.

People always say, "You can't have your cake and eat it too." I say, "Of course you can. Just make two cakes!"

It's hard to focus on a home workout when your home also contains a refrigerator full of delicious food

Which nipple does the red jumper cable go on again?

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The olympics is the only time when you hear "Great execution by North Korea" and it seems okay.

Remember when people had diaries & got mad when someone read them? Now they put everything online and get mad when people don't

Smile at the people who hate you. It makes them wonder what you're up to. :)

I hate it when I tell someone I'll be there in 10 minutes, but they continue to call me every half-hour anyway

Apple is looking to expand its market share among Latinos. No word yet on the release date of their newest device, the iCaramba.

If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.

Presidents’ Day is just another made up holiday to sell more presidents

Why do we offer "a word to the wise" when it's the stupid ones that need the advice?

Mother mosquito: Hey kiddo, how was your first flight? kid mosquito: Great mom! Everyone was clapping for me.

100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses. The stables have turned.