It hurts when you go to unfriend someone and you find they've beat you to it!

The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance...The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there'

I just decorated my bedroom to look like my desk at work so I can fall sleep faster.

Google image results are like a party that starts off exactly how you expected and gets weirder the longer you stay.

I was bitten by a mosquito last night. Bet that little bastard is pretty hung-over today

I cannot be held responsible for what my face does when other people talk.

The internet...turning cowards into tough guys daily.

We should have staff meetings in the garden. The plants would love the fertilizer.

When a man says he'll do anything for a woman, he means slaying dragons, killing zombies and rescuing her from castle towers. IT DOES NOT MEAN cleaning garage, fixing roof and cleaning out the basement!

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If other employees are taking four fifteen minutes smoke breaks a day, I should most certainly be allowed a one hour nap time.

I hate when a couple argues in public but I missed the start and don't know whose side I'm on.

Why is it called Boob Sweat and not Humiditties?

Why do guys go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. There's like 10 women to each man and they're already there looking for things they don't need.

QVC has agreed to purchase the Home Shopping Network for around $2 Billion...OR just 100,250,627 easy payments of $19.95!

I'm so unlucky with women? I visited a massage parlour the other day..and they told me it was "self - service"

I wonder if Brazil has a wax museum?

YouŽd be amazed how often IŽm wrong when people say guess what

I have some serious self-esteem issues. The last time I posted a selfie I first cropped myself out of it.

My desire to be well informed is currently in deep conflict with my need to stay sane.