Halloween really is the perfect time to get rid of all those Taco Bell hot sauce packets.

Wrapping these baby carrots in Tootsie Roll wrappers is exhausting but the payoff will be worth it come Halloween.

I want to be something scary for Halloween so I am going as a positive pregnancy test......

If whores, witches, ghosts and hobo's show up on my doorstep, I can only assume it's Halloween because our family reunion was in July....

I love Halloween because it's the only night of the year I may end up getting drunk with Batman and going home with a cheerleader.

The hardest part of carving a pumpkin nowadays is finding some newspaper to spread

Pro tip: If you really want to freak people out wear a Santa Claus suit for Halloween

Halloween, that magical time of year when I can buy 10 pound bags of candy and no one thinks it's "a huge red flag."

I know what I am going to be for Halloween, I'm going to be drunk. . .

Nice try Halloween, I eat candy in the dark and pretend not to be home every night.

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Love this time of year when I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it's just a cute Halloween display.

"Are you excited about Halloween? People go out pretending to be something they're not, looking for handouts. It's like running for president."

Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles and pay to walk through a field to pick our own for $27.

Instead of paying for a haunted house this year I'm just making the kids clean out the refrigerator.

I want to be something really scary for Halloween. So this year, I'm dressing up as a phone battery at 3%.

Add 'sexy' to anything and it instantly becomes a female Halloween costume.

I need to stop lying to myself ... This bag of Reese cups will never make it to Halloween

The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah's Witnesses wondering why they're being given candy.

I'm not saying your house is haunted, but I think a ghost just ate all of your Gummy Bears while you were in the bathroom.

Halloween Drinking Game: Drink every-time an Elsa (from Frozen) visits your house.