Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.

Not so great minds also think alike!

If we are ever in a situation where I am the voice of reason, then we are in a very very bad situation.

80% of adulthood is just unsubscribing from emails you no longer wish to receive.

When someone says "Only God can judge me" what they are really saying "I know it's wrong but I still don't care."

The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements, which included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later?

If I get addicted to eating cold turkey, idk how i'm going to quit

Glasses make you look smart, but you have to fail an exam to get them.

If the Earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything off it by now.

I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad

We would like to thank everyone that submits statuses to the site. Many get rejected because we don't think they are funny, or they are unreadable, or they are to inappropriate and offensive.

Check out more at Almost

You can't fight Destiny. Because if you try to fight Destiny, then you have to fight the bouncers and the rest of the strippers too...

Sometimes I think I need to be in a mental institution, then I look around and think that maybe I already am.

I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude...

I want to be a millionaire. Just like my dad! No, he wasn't a millionaire, but he always wanted to be.

The first rule of procrastination club will be covered in the next meeting.

I was disappointed to learn that ‘landlady’ isn’t the opposite of a mermaid.

Airport security asked me if I'd seen anything unusual. Well, I just paid eighteen dollars for a turkey sandwich and a bottle of beer, let's start with that.

We were so poor that all we had for dinner was “helper”.

And in other news, a terrorist attack has blown away two houses - one made of straw and the other made of wood. Police think that it's probably a lone wolf.

One of my biggest fears is that I'll marry into a family that does 5ks on holidays.