You can say "Have a nice day!" with no problem but you can't say "Enjoy the next 24 hours." without sounding mildly threatening.

There should be bloopers at the end of horror movies to relax the viewers before bed time.

Halloween really is the perfect time to get rid of all those Taco Bell hot sauce packets.

I'm so old that the only room I can go into and remember why is the bathroom.

You've already put up your Christmas tree? That's nothing. I'm already drunk for St. Patrick's Day.

I was Christmas shopping for a friend's daughter... I asked what she was into and he said "anything Frozen" So, I got her a bag of peas and some pizza rolls.

For $5 you can either get your girl approximately 2 flowers from a florist OR you can get her an ENTIRE costco rotisserie chicken. that’s all I'm sayin. the choice is yours

We are very lucky that out of all the bodily functions that could have been contagious we got yawning.

Baking bread basically involves creating a rich and warm environment for a species to thrive and then initiating a mass extinction event.

The temperature went from 85 to 60 ... like seeing a State Trooper on the highway.

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Getting money for your birthday is like passing ‘Go’ in Monopoly.

As I watch this generation try to rewrite history, one thing I'm sure of.... it will be misspelled and have no punctuation.

I got the death stare today when my mechanic asked if I wanted my tires rotated and I was like, "No thanks, I'm pretty sure they do that all by themselves while I'm driving"

Weed is now legal in Canada. In other news, Taco Bell announces 697 new stores in Canada.

I was going to cross the fence to see if the grass was greener on the other side. but all I learn was that the fence was electric.

So many people are obsessed with vampires these days. Who needs vampires when a mortgage and a job are enough to suck the life out of you?

The Pillsbury Doughboy died. The service will be held at 350 for about 20 minutes.

Every time I buy a pack of toilet paper it's money down the toilet.

If cats had wings, they would still just lay there.

If it's cold out and you're driving your car with the windows rolled halfway down and you're not smoking, then I'm going to assume you farted.