When does hibernation start? Because I'm 100% participating in that!!

I wonder if the guy who coined the term "One Hit Wonder" came up with any other phrases.

If the best things in life are free, why am I still charged when I go to the liquor store?

I don't understand people that say hurtful things like "Want to go for a run?" or "Hey, try this kale!"

If my kids knew the oven had a light, they'd leave it on too...

Hot singles in my area have heard about me and are moving to other areas

I'm not sure what shocked my mailman more, the fact that I came to the door completely naked, or the fact that I knew where he lived.

What if... what if dogs love us so much because they know we're made of bones.

Adulting fail #86: Turned on the wrong burner and have been cooking nothing for the last 20 minutes.

Building a treehouse is the biggest insult to a tree. "I killed your friend. Here, hold him."

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My therapist told me my narcissism causes me to misread social situations, but I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.

As I watch this generation try to rewrite history, one thing I'm sure of.... it will be misspelled and have no punctuation..

A real SMART TV will start raising it's volume when you start eating chips.

I tried to remember the Macarena and wound up telling a deaf girl I screwed her husband.

They told me I’d never be any good at poetry because I’m dyslexic, but so far I’ve made two jugs and a vase!

I went outside once, the graphics were ok, but the game play sucks!

I before E except after C has been disproven by science

My therapist told me to write letter to the people I hate and then burn them. OK. I did that, now what do I do with all these letters?

If your wife or gf is charging her electric toothbrush more than once a week, she isn't just brushing her teeth...

Some people won't admit their faults. I would, If I had any.